"Don't put that there, you'll scratch the table!" I cringe for the umpteenth time as I hear the words come out of my mouth. It's all wrong, you see. The ornaments are in all the wrong places; unbalanced, too far out on the branches, too close together, too far apart. The LEGO train is assembled incorrectly, not that the casual observer could tell - even upon close inspection. But I know it's wrong and it's driving me crazy. The whole tree is crooked, for God's sake! We may as well cancel Christmas right now."I'm sorry Austin. Put it wherever you want," I say weakly. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. Look, I don't really care if the table gets scratched and the LEGO choir looks fine there. I'll be back in a minute." Upon returning to the front room with a glass of wine, I realize that everything actually looks great. I mean, really great. Austin and Rudy (Pa) are decorating and the whole scene is just joyous and beautiful. Rudy loves the holidays and Austin is just giddy, singing and twirling in circles. And here I am in the midst of it with nothing better to offer than criticism and complaints. What kind of jerk shoots down a kid in Christmas' thrall? Bah! Humbug!
Well, that was last week and hopefully today I've redeemed myself somewhat by arranging a small herd of animated, lighted animals in the yard, plus a few extra points for the skiing polar bear on the roof. I am making a sincere effort to be cheerful, or at least less glum, but it takes tremendous energy - for me anyway - so I can only manage it a bit at a time.
It's important to me that Austin have some happy holiday memories. I (rather arrogantly) thought that by adopting Austin I might be able to erase or at least ameliorate some past trauma. What I didn't foresee was the extent to which he would change me. To paraphrase a Christmas cliche, it's not what you get from a person or situation, it's what you give. I guess in that respect, Austin has taught me more about Christmas than I'll ever teach him. So maybe I'm not really Scrooged after all.
Fine. Now I'm crying.
ReplyDeleteYou just gotta peak under that gruff-guy exterior, and you're all squishy inside! I love that about you!!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty squishy on the outside, too. :)
ReplyDeleteDepending on how you look at it, being "Scrooged" could be a good thing. He saw that he didn't like the way he was living his life and he made changes that made himself happy. Everyone he interacted with benefited from the changes. I have seen you grow and change as a person and as a parent, having Austin in your lives.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can let his youthful enthusiasm for Christmas infect you and brighten your spirits.
Remember, it's because you and Rudy opened up your hearts and your home that Austin is with his forever family and that you should enjoy every happy memory you make together. Be spontaneously goofy (I have seen you do that before). Make yourself and everyone else laugh :-)
I've also seen your determination (Will Smith, Rubik's cube). I know if you set your mind to something, you will do it!
And if you Guys don't have a tablecloth or cover for your table, maybe you should think of getting one to protect the table. This may alleviate one thing that gets on your nerves.
Thinking positive thoughts for you!
Thanks Connie, for being such a good friend and for always having the practical solution! :o)
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