It's Thanksgiving, so I thought I'd write a few words about how bad everything sucks. Just kidding!
OK, here's the thing: In the past year or two, I've come to realize that I have a talent, if you can call it that, for finding flaws in things. I have had this since childhood - maybe since birth. I'm great at those tests where you have to figure out what's different in picture B, or what's wrong with X. This ability/habit/curse is so dominant and pervasive that my world view is, and has always been, a sort of negative image of reality, like how a photographic negative shows you where the light isn't. This comes in handy at work for things like debugging code, or figuring out where some internal (computer) process ran amuck and crashed. It's not so handy for things like making friends or maintaining personal relationships. It seems that some people don't like having their flaws pointed out regularly, even when I'm just trying to be helpful. Weird. In elementary school, I was on a first name basis with every principal I had (and there were many). This was mostly because my teachers had low self-esteem and couldn't deal with a 7-year-old pointing out things that were probably obvious to everyone, but which, for some reason, no one else actually said. Things like, "I don't think it's fair to be held accountable for missing words on our spelling test that you can't even pronounce correctly due to your speech impediment." Or - I remember this one clearly - when my teacher said, "You got a smart mouth!" I replied, matter of factly, "The word is sarcasm." (Then rolled my eyes slightly as if to silently add, "Duh!") I swear I could actually see steam rise from her forehead in the brief moment before being whisked off to the office. Unfortunately, in the intervening 30-plus years, I have not grown significantly more emotionally intelligent. If I had a dollar, well maybe a hundred dollars, for every person I've royally pissed off in my life so far due to my big mouth and chronic lack of empathy, I'd probably never have to work again. (Hmmm... could being a jerk be lucrative somehow? I could get a radio show where people call in and I tell them how stupid they are. Oh wait, that's been done.)
OK, now that I've had this revelation, what to do? I figure that if I can somehow turn this ship around and be hopelessly optimistic for the second 40 years of my life, then by the time I'm dead I'll be basically even. Is such a thing even possible? Comments? Suggestions?
Oh yeah, Happy Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
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Hrm..I vaguely remember the sarcasm. :) I always thought it was fun. Just be who you are. People will love you for you.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. Someone recently told me that artistic people see what can be improved or what is missing, while others view this as constant complaining. Maybe this is why I don't seem to have very many friends!
ReplyDeleteHmm. Interesting. I also live with the glass half empty. And the glass is also probably dirty, or the wrong size or otherwise less than perfect. The difference I guess is that somehow I learned to censor myself at an early age. If I said everything I thought it would not be pretty. Medication also helps. Love you! Loving your blog.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I inherited the (aparently scarce) positive gene or just developed it to prove a point of some kind! Not sure what that point would be but it might have something to do with a constant need for affirmation. You still think I'm ok, right? I mean, I can be positive and you'll still love me right? Right?
ReplyDelete("disquenc" n:the irritating flaw in a CD that makes it skip and repeat, repeat, repeat repeat...)
Changing a lifetime of habits is hard, we all know that. We all have the choice of how we react to things. If you can find something positive to focus on (instead of the negative) and reward yourself for being positive, you may be surprised that your outlook is changing for the better. Each time I see our Honda now, I think how lucky we are we got it back and that triggers other things that I am grateful for.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel like you have to do this on your own. Depend on the people you trust and those who care about you, when you need them. Talk it out and get it out of your system. Keeping all those pent up frustrations isn't worth it and possibly losing control when you least expect it.
And don't forget to take time out for yourself :-)